Carol was a social worker who had spent years studying relationships. She understood boundaries, healthy communication, trauma, and emotional regulation. But there was one relationship where all her expertise seemed to fall short: her relationship with her mother.
Whenever Carol said no to something, her mother got angry or pulled away. If Carol tried to explain that something had hurt her, her mother became defensive, and in the end, Carol was the one who had to apologize. Eventually, Carol realized the best way to keep the relationship going was to hold back certain opinions, give in to her mother’s wishes, and steer clear of anything that could upset her.
On the surface, the relationship looked peaceful, but the calm came at a price: Carol had to give up parts of herself to maintain it. Over time, she began to wonder: Was keeping the relationship worth losing herself?
Healthy relationships require many skills: clear communication, setting boundaries, taking responsibility for your actions, being aware of your triggers, and offering emotional support, among others.
If you work on these behaviors, they are useful tools for most relationships. But there is something we don’t talk about enough: You can do a great deal of work on yourself and yet have a relationship that doesn’t function very well. This is because relationships involve more than one person. It is always important to work on your part, but it doesn’t necessarily change the other person or their part if they aren’t willing or able to change.
In Bowen Family Systems theory, differentiation of self is the capacity to maintain one’s thinking and principles while remaining emotionally connected to important people. The goal isn’t to become unaffected by other people, because that is impossible. It’s to become better able to observe what is happening and choose our response rather than react automatically.
For Carol, this would look like no longer trying to find the best way to explain herself to finally win her mother’s understanding, or giving in just to not upset her mom. Instead, she can learn to manage herself around her mother’s disapproval without immediately giving up her own position.
Look at the Pattern
Pay attention to whether you are the common factor in many relationships that go sour. When similar patterns crop up in my clients’ friendships, work relationships, and family life, it’s a sign to look more deeply at their behaviors.
However, suppose that with most people you are able to keep stable relationships in which disagreements can occur, apologies are given, misunderstandings are resolved, and the relationship moves on—yet with one individual every disagreement turns into a crisis? What if that person also has a past filled with conflict or estrangement in other relationships?
That by itself gives you information that this might be a relationship that requires betraying yourself to keep harmony.
Objectivity comes from focusing on the pattern, then deciding how to respond without assuming the only way forward is to keep the peace.
Compassion Doesn’t Require Unlimited Access
For Carol, it became especially difficult to set limits with her mom because she understood why she behaved as she did.
Like Carol, you might be aware of their childhood or the trauma they’ve experienced, and it’s possible that they have difficulties with a mental illness, anger, emotional control, or with their own limitations; having that understanding can lead to compassion.
But compassion and access are not the same thing.
You can see why a person becomes angry without having to be available to be yelled at. You can understand someone’s fear of being abandoned without letting that fear influence all of your decisions.
I’ve seen people—and even myself—get so preoccupied with trying to understand another person’s suffering that we lose sight of how the relationship is affecting us.
Understanding someone may change how much anger you carry toward them, which can help you manage and heal from that anger. But it doesn’t necessarily change how much contact is allowed.
Boundaries Don’t Guarantee a Good Response
A common misconception about boundaries is that once they’re set properly, other people will eventually respect them. Perhaps so, but setting boundaries isn’t a way to get someone else to change their behavior.
The other person is still free to dislike your boundary; they can criticize you, misinterpret your intentions, become distant, or even cut you off. Part of differentiation is stretching your capacity to tolerate another person’s displeasure—even when every instinct tells you to smooth things over just to make the anxiety disappear. I’ve grappled with this myself, and it’s never easy.
Many people believe the answer is complete cut-off; however, a wide range exists between complete closeness and complete cut-off. Maybe visits become shorter. Maybe you stop discussing certain subjects. Maybe you stop trying to convince someone to understand you. You could maintain warmth while sharing less personal information.
In some cases, when a relationship is abusive, threatening, or continuously destructive, it may be necessary to maintain a great distance or have no contact at all.
The key question is whether your decisions come from reactivity or from thoughtful reflection. If you’re facing a relationship that seems to require you to lose yourself to keep the peace, consider asking yourself:
What will occur when I cease to play my normal role? And what will happen if I stop overexplaining, rescuing, pursuing, or appeasing?
Can this person accept the idea of a separate self? Can I disagree with them and yet remain connected?
How far can I go in this relationship without losing myself?
And perhaps most importantly: What would I choose if I weren’t making this decision from guilt, fear, anger, or the need to make the other person understand? This is a question I still return to, both in my work and in my own relationships.
Remember, a person can wound others even if they are wounded themselves. You can show compassion for someone’s limitations while still not being okay with how they express them. You can look at your own behavior without taking responsibility for theirs.
The challenge isn’t always finding the perfect words to make someone else understand your needs. Sometimes, the real work is getting clear about who you want to be in the relationship—even if the other person never truly understands you. In the end, your clarity about yourself is what matters most.
References
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family evaluation: An approach based on Bowen theory. W. W. Norton & Company.
