The holiday season is often painted as a time of joy, peace, and togetherness. For some, it is indeed the most beautiful time of the year. However, navigating family dynamics can be incredibly challenging for others. It’s especially true for those who have lost loved ones, are estranged from family, or come from an abusive home.
Consider the case of Jane. Every year, Jane anxiously looked forward to the holiday season, not for the festive celebrations but for the inevitable drama that unfolded at her family gatherings. Her Uncle Bob, infamous for his outspoken opinions and inappropriate remarks, would inevitably push the boundaries. At the last gathering, he made distasteful comments about Jane’s recent divorce, creating an awkward and uncomfortable atmosphere.
Rather than lashing out or retreating in embarrassment, Jane decided to tactfully address the situation if he would bring it up again in conversation with her in the next gathering. Inevitably, he did, and she calmly and assertively expressed her thoughts, saying, “Uncle Bob, I understand that you might not be aware, but I am comfortable and happy about my divorce; even though it has been hard at times, it has been a positive transition for my life. I would appreciate it if we could talk about something else. I am already clear about your position on divorce.” Her response was a firm yet respectful way to establish boundaries and promote a healthier and more harmonious gathering.
If you dread the upcoming family gatherings, remember that it’s okay and pretty typical. Your feelings are valid, and you’re not alone. Many people experience increased stress and anxiety during this time of year. In fact, as a therapist, it is my busiest time of year! Here are some strategies to help you navigate the season gracefully, even amidst the most intense family dynamics.
Setting boundaries is crucial when dealing with challenging family members. Decide in advance what topics you’re willing to discuss and which ones you’d rather avoid. Politely but firmly steer conversations away from potential triggers. It’s okay to say, “I’d rather not talk about that right now,” or to remove yourself from a conversation that becomes uncomfortable.
Also, it is okay to set boundaries around whether you will host or not host and who you will invite to your home. I often hear about how families get offended when boundaries are set, especially around the holidays. However, know you are doing everything correctly if you are being respectful and clear about what can be expected from you. Just because you are family does not mean you must give in to every request or demand.
Practice Focusing on Yourself
Prioritize your well-being. Ensure you get enough sleep, eat healthily, and make time for activities you enjoy. Regular exercise, meditation, and deep breathing can also help manage stress. Focus on you and the impact others have on you, and use family gatherings to see what your triggers are and what relationships need to be mended. You can even learn what relationships you prefer to remain distant from in the future.
Connect with Supportive People
This can be a difficult time for those who have experienced loss or are estranged from their families. Remember that redefining what ‘family’ means to you is okay. It doesn’t have to be blood relatives; it can be friends, mentors, or anyone who provides emotional support and understanding. Spend time with these people during this time to ensure you’re surrounded by positivity and love. The holidays should be about spending time with the ones we love and enjoy being with.
If you know that specific family dynamics may be challenging, plan ahead. Consider strategies for dealing with potential conflicts or difficult conversations. This could involve rehearsing responses or developing a ‘signal’ with a supportive family member to help extricate yourself from a challenging situation. It is more difficult to be responsive when triggered, so having a plan beforehand can help you better deal with the problem. Remember, you can’t control how others treat you, but you can learn to control how you choose to act and respond.
Allow Yourself to Feel
The holidays can bring up a lot of emotions. Permit yourself to feel them without judgment. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or overwhelmed. These feelings are normal and valid. Consider seeking support from a trusted friend or mental health professional if you’re struggling.
Despite the challenges, try to find moments of gratitude each day. There can be joy, love, and connection moments, even amid family chaos. Focusing on these positives can help to balance the difficulties. Even when family gatherings bring up stress and anxiety, the holidays are when new memories are created.
The season is a time of celebration, but it’s also a time of increased stress and anxiety for many. Remember, it’s okay to prioritize your well-being and set boundaries with family members. Use these tips as your survival kit, and remember that redefining what ‘family’ means to you is perfectly fine. You might find that doing so allows you to enjoy the season in a whole new way.
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