Do you catch yourself saying “yes” when every single cell in your body is screaming “no”? Do you feel like you’re slowly losing yourself to keep everyone else happy? Guess what? You’re not broken, you’re just wired this way. Welcome to the fascinating, sometimes infuriating world of people-pleasing. (You’ll want to grab a snack for this one.)
The Fawn Response, AKA The “Please Don’t Hate Me” Instinct
You’ve probably heard of the “fight, flight, or freeze” reactions, right? It’s the stuff of stress survival 101. But then there’s the lesser-known sibling in the family of “Oh Shit, Things Are Bad” responses: fawn. Fawning is what happens when your brain’s big idea for dealing with stress is to go full Mr. Rogers and smooth everything over. Put simply, you prioritize making other people happy in order to avoid conflict. It’s not bravery, it’s survival strategy with a smile.
This delightful little habit usually shows up in chaotic or high-stress environments. Picture a kid growing up in a house where even breakfast is a battlefield of emotions. That kid figures out pretty quickly that keeping the peace gets them less yelling and fewer slammed doors. They learn that being agreeable, helpful, or downright invisible keeps them safe. And here’s the kicker: the brain loves predictable outcomes. If something works, even once, it saves the tactic in a little stress-response folder labeled “use this forever.”
Fast-forward to adulthood, and these kids-turned-grownups are now nodding along to every asinine request at work, saying “sure thing!” to overbearing family members, and basically contorting themselves into human pretzels to avoid rocking the boat. Sound familiar?
Your Inner Caveman Loves Fawning
Here’s where it gets wild (and a little depressing): this behavior actually has evolutionary roots. Back in Ye Olde Caveman Days™, survival wasn’t just about throwing spears or outrunning predators; it was about getting along with your tribe. Piss off the wrong cave bro, and suddenly you’re the one pushed to the edge of the fire pit… or the edge of a cliff.
Fawning, in this context, served a purpose. By appeasing stronger or more dominant group members, our ancestors avoided rocking the prehistoric peace treaty. Keeping harmony meant staying alive. But here’s the rub—we’re not dodging saber-tooth tigers anymore. You don’t need to emotionally babysit your coworkers so they don’t “exile” you from happy hour.
And yet, if your childhood was full of stress or unpredictable emotional chaos, the fawn response can feel as necessary as your morning coffee. What started as a practical survival instinct becomes your default setting, even when it’s no longer helpful, like trying to use smoke signals in a text-message world.
Blame Your Family (Well, Kind Of)
For a more modern twist, say hello to Bowen Family Systems Theory. Fancy name, but the gist is simple. According to this theory, your family dynamic plays a massive role in shaping who you are and how you cope with life’s messiness. If you grew up in a household buzzing with anxiety, chances are you became the “fixer,” the “peacemaker,” or the one who got everyone to just calm the hell down already.
Take Emily, for example. Her parents argued like it was their job. Every night felt like a live audition for an episode of Real Housewives. Little Emily figured out that saying, “It’s okay, Mom” or cleaning up quietly would get everyone to simmer down. Her tactic worked so well that her brain went, “Hey, we can totally use this for the rest of our life!” Fast-forward a couple decades, and Emily is now stuck picking up overtime shifts and saying “yes” to everything her boss demands—even when it’s draining the life out of her.
Here’s the thing about Emily (and maybe you): she’s not irrational. She’s not foolish. Her brain is just replaying what it learned as a survival skill. The problem? What worked then is now screwing her over on the daily.
Stop Being Everyone’s Emotional Doormat
The first step to breaking this exhausting cycle is simple but hard as hell: you have to get why you do it. Once you understand where all this people-pleasing comes from, you can start to reclaim your backbone.
Here’s the deal. That urge to say “yes” before someone even finishes asking for help? It’s not some uncontrollable demon inside you. It’s a patterned response. A habit. And habits can be unlearned. The next time someone asks you for more than you can reasonably give, hit pause. Literally, say something like, “Can I get back to you on that?” or “I need to think about it.”
Yeah, it’s weird the first time. It’s awkward as hell. And if you’ve been a lifelong people-pleaser, you’ll probably feel like you just kicked a puppy. But guess what? The world keeps spinning. And every time you set a boundary, it gets a tiny bit easier.
Rewriting those scripts takes time, but it’s worth it. When your friend asks you to help them move (AGAIN), try saying, “I can’t this weekend, but good luck!” When your boss dumps their work on your desk, hit ’em with, “I’ll need to check my bandwidth before I confirm.” These small wins eventually add up to a life where you no longer feel like everyone else’s personal emotional laundry service.
Reclaiming Your Sanity, One “No” at a Time
Here’s the cold, hard truth. You’re not doing anyone any favors by always saying “yes.” You’re not a better friend, partner, or employee when you’re running on fumes to keep the peace. When you start setting boundaries, you might shock people who are used to you being their go-to “yes” person. That’s okay. Shock ‘em. They’ll adjust.
Because the awkwardness of setting a boundary today is always, always better than the resentment of overextending yourself tomorrow.
Now go practice saying “no.” Start small, but start. You’ve spent enough time putting yourself last. Your inner caveman will survive, even if you skip a few rounds of people-pleasing. And hey, you might just find something way cooler on the other side of all that sacrifice. Like your actual self.
